"Have you thought about taking..."

"Have you thought about taking a mild anti depressant?"

Well. That escalated quickly.

Being honest, of course I had thought about it. I think about it every time I fall into a flare up. I had been offered it before, amongst many other things, but I had always refused.

I am currently going through yet another period of agonising pain, manic itching and just down right misery. I have returned to work after a summer holiday off, during which I was happy as Larry. My skin over the summer wasn't by any means clear, but I was enjoying myself and having one of those 'good times' when I can pretend it doesn't exist for while.

However, back to work always means back to stress. Back to radiators and freezing playground duties. Back to exhaustion and illness. Back to forgetting to look after my skin. Back to scratching to escape. Back to the doctors...

For some reason, it is my feet at the moment that are the worst. They have been sore for months, but as a shoe lover and as someone who uses clothes to hide herself, it hasn't really got me down that much. No one needs to see my feet, right? So I can pretend it doesn't exist. Ignoring it, letting it get worse, which is what i did, for weeks, until I got ill and it couldn't be ignored.

"I tend to just ignore it Doctor, that's normally how I cope."

He looked at me, disapproving of my technique,

"OK, let's take a look."

I reveal my feet, he does that thing doctors do that makes you feel even worse, and often makes you want to punch them. Tipping his head to one side he cries...

"Ooooooooo that does look sore doesn't it? It's very angry looking."

Yes, we both are Doctor, both my skin and I are very angry. We're pissed off. It is pretty clear I think. Please hurry up so I can put my sock back on and not have to look at my angry feet for a second longer.

This doctor, actually, is really nice compared to others I have experienced. My worst was a doctor who said to me:

"Whats wrong with you? Why are you so upset? Its only eczema, my granddaughter is 5 and has it and she's fine about it. I don't know what you want me to do. Cheer up."

Cheer up??? Jesus Christ.

Needless to say, I resisted the overwhelming urge to punch him in the face and stormed out.

Back to yesterday. He prescribed me antibiotics for the infection, and then some oral steroids. I have never been offered these before, it's never even been suggested to me. Prednisolone, take 8 a day in the morning for a week, I'm told. We then went back to the suggestion of mild anti depressants...

I have seen a private therapist before (which I will blog in detail about another time) but the thought of taking a pill to sort my emotions has always felt a tad scary. I know many people who are taking them and I have heard and seen the benefit, but for me, I feel like it would make me more anxious than less. So, we decide I will try the steroids, and the antibiotics, and the sleeping tablets first.

I rattle home from the pharmacist, £30 out of pocket (a debate for another time I think). I can't take the steroids till the morning, with my breakfast. So while I wait, I send a message to the Facebook support group for comments/advice.

I joined the support group last year, it is wonderful. I have never posted on it till now, but even just reading peoples stories, problems, successes, it helps you feels a little less alone. Eczema can be insanely isolating and dark, but this group spreads a little light for me.

Within seconds I have a reply from someone who has used the steroid and said it was fantastic, a miracle worker. I get giddy with excitement. Will I actually get some relief? I text my boyfriend, 'OMG apparently this pill is amazing, can't wait'. An hour later, I have more responses agreeing.

"It's a wonder drug...shame it can't be used all the time".

Ah, that's the problem, steroids taken over long periods can do serious damage to your body, so they are short term solution. But, if I get just a weeks relief from it I'll be happy. If it means i don't have to hide in my clothes as much, or shower in the dark, for just a few days, it's a bloody bonus.

So last night, I took a sleeping tablet (for the first time) and went to bed excited to take the first dose in the morning. Sadly, I didn't have the heavenly, wall melting bliss of a sleep I was told about. But, I didn't wake up in agony at 4am, so it must have done something.

And now I'm about to take the steroids. Bottoms up...

#steriods #antidepressants #doctors #Prednisolone #facebooksupportgroup