My Itch-Scratch Spiral
- eczemawarrior
- Oct 5, 2017
- 4 min read
Stop scratching.
Stop scratching.
Stop scratching.
But. It. Feels. So. Good.
As eczema warriors, we all know the term ‘Itch-Scratch Cycle’. And I’m pretty sure lots of us hate it. For this post, I did a lot of research to find out what that term really means, and how it is described. For me, it’s not a cycle, it’s a spiral. The cycle suggests it never, ever ends, but it does, maybe for a moment, maybe an hour, sometimes even a whole day (if we’re lucky). Sometimes it ends well, but more often than not, it doesn’t.
My relationship with scratching spirals, it starts off small, just a little one on my shoulder or my back, while you think no one is looking. Then when you’re alone, it spirals. The urge grows and grows, getting bigger. Louder. Until before you know it, you’ve stripped off your tights and you’re rolling around the couch trying to reach all those bits you couldn’t while you were in work.
You know that shouldn’t. You know you should stop. You know that what you should be doing right now is grabbing one of the many dusty tubs of emollients you have in your bathroom and smother yourself in it. It’s what the doctor tells you to do, your parents and your friends. But, no, not your brain. Your brain says go for it, and keep going until you have to stop.
Because at some point, you do have to stop. The spiral comes to an end. The pain is so blinding it makes you stop. That amazing rush of endorphins you were feeling just moments ago, have turned into the most overwhelming guilt you’ve ever felt.
The first thing that came up on my google search list was this:
Itch-Scratch Cycle: Itch evokes the behavior of scratching which increases inflammation and causes excitation of nerve fibers, leading to more itching and scratching.
The important word there is ‘excitation’.
Because it does. It excites you, in some weird, self-abusing way. Those first few scratches, they release all the tension and pain and it feels incredible.
This may be controversial, but to me, my scratching is a form of self-harm. It gives me a release I’ve been longing for. It helps release my sadness, my anger, my hatred of my skin.
The NHS states:
‘Self-harm is when somebody intentionally damages or injures their body. It's usually a way of coping with or expressing overwhelming emotional distress.’
That’s what we do, isn’t it? We intentionally damage our already fragile skin. I know that some of us don’t do it intentionally, that sometimes you just find yourself doing it without thinking about it, or while we are asleep. But if we are honest, a lot of it is intentional. Intentional harm in the hope it will make us feel better for a moment.
However, eczema isn’t seen as a mental health illness. Why not? I know it has affected my mental health. I read and hear that it has done the same to others. Yes we need the creams and the ointments, and to stop drinking so much red wine. But we also need someone to talk to. We need someone to listen to how it makes us feel, and someone to give us strategies to deal with these feelings.
That guilt we feel at the end of an ‘itch fest’ is like a black hole. If you’ve had many days on the run feeling that guilt, it makes you miserable and very, very alone. Because if you tell a friend what you’ve done, they wouldn’t understand. In their heads they are thinking: ‘why didn’t she just stop scratching?’ Even doctors seem to lack sympathy towards this spiral, I have always felt judged, like they are angry with me for making it worse, like I’m doing it because I want to be in pain forever.
I’ve been in hospital many times for treatment. The most effective part of that stay I find, is not the doctors and wraps and creams (they do help I know), but being around people who are in the same position as you. You can sit and chat about the pain and the guilt and you’re not alone anymore. The black hole is filling with light. You no longer feel isolated, the stress starts to ease and so does your skin.
I think we need to be offered more than a long list of prescriptions. We need to be offered help. Not in the form of more drugs, but in the form of counselling or support groups. Over the past year I have signed up to many Facebook groups (linked below) and I find their effect is similar to that of being in hospital with those like you. I told myself I wouldn’t use this blog to recommend treatments, because everyone is different, but I am going to recommend one thing. Signing up to those groups. They are private, and no one else in your friends list needs to know you’re on there or what you say. You don’t even have to write a post or a comment, you can just sit and read others experiences.
Give it a try.
If talking and sharing can help to tackle just a part of that pain and guilt, we can maybe reduce those spirals, make them a little smaller. I don’t think they will ever disappear completely, but they would definitely be more manageable.
An itch-scratch ‘dot’ perhaps.
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